Once Upon a Stranger

Before your soulmate is your soulmate, and your BFF is your BFF, they are a complete stranger. The alchemy by which strangers become intimates is not just a lost art, it is a modern science. I’m so, so happy that Gillian Sandstrom has written this gem of a book because she’s a consummate expert in both.

I’m a long-time fan of Gillian’s research, and I especially love what she’s accomplished in these beautiful pages—telling the stories of simple interactions, making visible the gossamer threads that tie us to one another, if only we let them.

A practical guide to talking with strangers–which you should do far more often than you do, for their benefit and yours.

So often, research is me-search, and almost always, that’s the very best kind. Gillian studies what she does and practices what she preaches. If you’ve ever wondered about, worried about, and avoided talking to strangers, this book might change your mind about giving strangers their space. And that, as Gillian so perfectly explains, might change everything. - Angela Duckworth, NEW YORK TIMES bestselling author of GRIT

Gillian Sandstrom’s voice is at once wise and warm. Throughout this book, you can feel her gently guiding you toward a stranger, encouraging you to strike up a conversation. While her insights are grounded in rigorous research, they never feel overly academic. The result is immediately relatable and deeply necessary. - Vanessa Bohns, Cornell professor and author of YOU HAVE MORE INFLUENCE THAN YOU THINK

A fascinating, fun, and inspiring look at all the good things that happen when we set aside our hang-ups, reenter the world, and talk to strangers, Gillian Sandstrom’s Once Upon a Stranger makes an undeniable case that the road to a richer, more creative, more connected life passes through the millions of people who we have yet to meet. It’s an indispensable and badly needed corrective in an often lonely, unkind, and antisocial age. A must-read from the global authority on talking to strangers. Deeply researched and yet refreshingly approachable. - Joe Keohane, journalist and author of THE POWER OF STRANGERS

Gillian Sandstrom makes her case for talking to strangers using research, expertise, and a reading experience that feels like sitting in a pub and having a chat with a friend. Her subject matter couldn’t be more crucial in a world that’s suffering from a loneliness epidemic, but the book is welcoming, compassionate, and filled with cheery humor. - Celeste Headlee, acclaimed journalist and author of Do Nothing: How to Break Away from Overworking, Overdoing, and Underliving

Once Upon a Stranger is an inspirational read for anyone who craves more social connection. With wit and compassion, Dr. Gillian Sandstrom debunks our fears around small talk - and offers some eminently practical tips on the ways to enhance those interactions. Whether you are an introvert or extrovert, this book will change your life. - David Robson, author of THE EXPECTATION EFFECT and THE LAWS OF CONNECTION

Gillian Sandstrom shares that she used to be embarrassed by her father’s affinity for chatting with strangers. Then she realized that, rather than being annoyed, people’s moods were boosted by meeting him. She also realized his top-notch social skills can be learned through practice, an open mind and a bit of derring-do.

Now, she’s ready to help others embrace opening up. - Linda M. Castellitto, BookPage

Gillian is one of the most rigorous scientists I know, and one of the kindest. In Once Upon a Stranger, she draws on decades of research, including her own groundbreaking work and personal experiments, to make a case I find completely persuasive: small talk isn’t small at all. Instead, it’s a gateway to belonging, opportunity, and meaning.

She also gives you the tools to actually do it – how to quiet your inner critic, cross the “liking gap,” and start conversations that could change your career, your relationships, or the trajectory of someone else’s day. You might even discover that a stranger has been carrying the missing puzzle piece for the next chapter of your life. Read this book, and you won’t just believe a simple “hello” matters. You’ll want to try it for yourself.

- ​​​​​​​Ashley Whillans, Harvard Business School professor and author of TIME SMART

Gillian Sandstrom is an Associate Professor in the Psychology of Kindness at the University of Sussex. Her research has been featured across the media, including the New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, Washington Post, and The Atlantic, and has been covered by other outlets around the world. She has been interviewed for major podcasts and radio shows, including Hidden Brain, NPR’s Life Kit, and Claudia Hammond’s All in the Mind. She lives in Brighton, England.

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