Why I Hate You and You Hate Me

This book considers the experience of envy, greed, jealousy, and narcissism and how they operate between parents and children, brothers and sisters. It focuses on the object of these harmful emotions, what attracts malice to them, and how they may arouse it.

'This is a book that engages with hate, but hardly celebrates it. It does give it such humanity and lively concern that we could all own up to a sheepish recognition of these examples and illustrations. The range is wide, from ancient or remote myths through to reports in modern journalism, and from men's "womb envy" to women's "penis greed". The vast showcase of description is vivid, lucid, and immediately true-to-life, so we are left with the message that we are truly like that. The book says in effect that if we take a good look at this cesspit, and, as it were, stare it out, it will find a proper place within us, a place that can be, on the whole, balanced satisfactorily with the more noble, creative, and harmonious humanity with which we are also imbued.'- R. D. Hinshelwood, Professor, Centre for Psychoanalytic Studies, University of Essex'This penetrating book is a scholarly study of malice from a variety of perspectives. Dr Joseph Berke, the famous author of this book, illuminates the fundamental elements of malice - envy, greed, and jealousy - without ignoring love and benevolence, with which they are inexorably intertwined. Although focusing on the dark side of human nature, the book explores the interplay of forces, which on a personal level are called "character" and on a social level, "culture". It is a deep and fascinating work, relevant to us all at all times.'- Ilany Kogan, training analyst, Israel Psychoanalytic Society'Joe Berke has written a powerful tour de force about the vicissitudes of love and hate in human relationships. He brings to this task a wealth of experience with some of the most difficult patients that he has seen over a lifetime of work as a psychotherapist. Despite taking us in to the heart of darkness and the outer reaches of the human soul, his writing, interspersed with his customary humour and wry observation, makes it very accessible and a joy to read. I recommend this book whole heartedly.'- David Morgan, consultant psychotherapist, psychoanalyst (BPAS BPA BAP), training analyst and supervisor'In this book, Joseph Berke does what he does so well: he explicates our everyday feelings, holding them up to his magic psychoanalytic looking glass so that we can see not only the reflection of our feelings, but also where they come from, and how and why they are there. This is all in terms that we can understand and relate to - where "we" includes both mental health professionals and less professional readers. The unsavoury topic of hatred is relevant to us all, and needs contemplation. There could be no more engrossing and helpful way of contemplating it than to read this book.'- Kate Miriam Loewenthal, Emeritus Professor of Psychology, Royal Holloway, University of London'This is a book to be savoured, not only because it is rich with scholarship, insight, and fascinating stories from all walks of human, animal, and physical life, but also because it forces us to look at our dark side and shows us how facing our evil tendencies can liberate us and our relationships. Envy, greed, jealousy, sulking, narcissism, etc. - Berke delineates the causes, dynamics, parameters, interrelationships, effects over time, and how insight and growth can happen.'- Michael Ray, PhD, Banc One-McCoy Professor (emeritus) of Creativity and Innovation, Stanford University, and author of The Highest Goal

Berke is Director of the Arbours Crisis Centre, London.

'Man' himself is the source of the dark forces against which he is constantly struggling. The book shows how is possible to transcend this basic malice by knowing how, what, why and when it arises. Envy, greed, jealousy and narcissism (the flip side of envy) are the essential components of the negative side of the self. Their positive counterparts are gratitude, generosity and compassion. Each element does not exist in isolation from the other. The interplay of these forces of hate and love create the underlying structure of our lives, which on a personal level is called "character" and on the social level is called "culture". When malice predominates the result is murder and mayhem, vandalism and war. This encompasses the blind butchery of our environment and fellow creatures which permeates so many areas of the world, such as Libya, Ireland, Congo, Cambodia, or central London during recent demonstrations. This study will focus on the negative or angry constituents of the personality. But it will not ignore love. On the contra,ry the author will demonstrate that when people overlook or deny the negative elements in their emotional life (because of guilt or fear), then the positive ones suffer too. As always, love and hate, benevolence and malevolence are inexorably intertwined. The overall purpose of the book is to develop a detailed understanding of mankind's capacity for destruction, as well as for making good.

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