Built for This

“The idea of a gay bloke in uniform still messed with people’s heads. And it showed. And look, I’m not saying all the homophobes are secretly gay. That line gets thrown around a bit too casually. But I do think there’s something in it. That fear. That tension. That need to prove something. I recognise it. Because I was one of them. I threw out the jokes. I played the part. I made sure no one looked too closely. It wasn’t because I hated gay people. I just couldn’t deal with the fact that I was one. And that kind of denial can make you quietly complicit. That’s the thing, I wasn’t anywhere near ready to deal with it. Coming out wasn’t even on my radar. I didn’t have the words, let alone the courage. All I’d seen of “being gay” was whatever the media reckoned it looked like, glitter, sequins, stereotypes that felt about as far away from me as you could get. I didn’t want to stand out. I wanted to blend in. I wanted to be one of the lads. So I adapted to survive. Loud, cocky, a bit of a womaniser, picking fights, spinning stories about sex I wasn’t having. All armour, and the truth is, I’d been building that armour for a while. I built a fortress of performance, and then I lived in it, alone.”

Brad Poulter is a New Zealand writer, veteran, and culture leader. He served nearly 20 years in the Royal New Zealand Navy before moving into professional conduct and culture work within the New Zealand Defence Force.

His career has included roles as a Military Police Investigator, Flight Deck Officer, and Maritime Operational Evaluator. He also spent time as a Senior Instructor in NZDF Leadership Development.

He currently works as Programme Lead for OP RESPECT, leading the NZDF’s approach to the prevention of harmful sexual behaviour, and to culture, inclusion, and professional conduct.

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